an inchoate prayer

What could I say to you? That I love you? Could I say instead:
You are handsome and dashing and nobody else really thinks so, but I cannot help but stare when you are around. I equate how I feel for you to how I feel when I listen to the dirty dancing soundtrack. We have never had a proper conversation, but I’m sure if we went out for dinner one day, we could work something out.

Sigh

I have never cleaned the toilet in my own home. It figures that the only time I think I’d do it is part of a self-project seeking life experiences, and today was the first time I thought I would clean the washroom of the restaurant I worked it.
As closing time drew round (we only had one customer the whole night shift) I vaguely avoided the thought of it altogether. I turned over tables. I did dishes (yuck) and placed warm plates back.
When I stepped out of the dish washing area, I discovered bobby had already cleaned the washroom.
Mildly embarrassed and massively grateful, I didn’t say much.
I washed my hands and walked away.
Minutes later, daphne asked: “Who stepped into the washroom? It has to be washed again!”
I jumped and realised it was me! So I offered and before I knew bobby had gotten the mop and wiped it down.
Clearing the dessert of our last (and only) customer, I accidentally threw the top of the cake unto the floor. The freshly mopped floor. Ill get it !! I exclaimed but bobby appeared with a mop and took over.

As I tried my hand at mopping, bobby observed,” your mother must love you very much. You have obviously never done housework before.”
I smiled and said,” we used to have a maid.”, then proceeded to say yuck continuously as I grabbed the rubbish bag up to dump it.
After the second or third yuck bobby took the bag away and took care of it.
“I was born in a very poor family. So I’ve done every single job possible in my life. My first job was as a lingerie seller. Er it was very awkward so I fired myself after awhile. Then I went into the bubble tea business and did a day job, before working at a pasta place to become a chef. And now I’m here!”

Everytime I say thank you he says no problem! It is hard sometimes, to hate humanity. People like bobby make us take long hard looks at ourselves.

Why are you late ?

To begin with I was watching a show it was really hard to switch off but let me assure you that wasn’t why. I’d chosen my outfit and I gave myself enough time to put on makeup for practice. I had enough time! Then I lost the skirt I wanted to wear in the clothing room and I pulled the wheely thing out and the drawers out and it turned out the skirt was in the living room because I’d prepared my outfit ! I also ironed my clothing but the shirt was too hot. I packed my bag almost frantically because I was supposed to be early and now I was right on time only, but my right arm plucked an uncapped, full water bottle up and it fell all over the floor. My stockings got wet stepping in them but I had to dry the floor anyway, and my scarf got itself stuck in the whirring hairdryer I used to blow dry the bottom of my feet. I had to change out of the shirt I was wearing because it was still hot and I had to change out of what I changed into because it made me look fat. Lacing doc martens are tough and slow, and after putting one shoe on I realised I haven’t sprayed on perfume and I hopped in the house and out. Someone took the house key, I couldn’t believe I could apply lipstick in thirty seconds! I also have not much idea how to use keys and the door was stuck so that was kinda hard.

I KNOW okay next time please let me get away with ‘sorry’ when I really mean it because ! Chances are you’re only going to be more grumpy after such a long banal description and I am sorry I’m late half the time, I don’t know how it happens !

Fine, I do know how it happens but I don’t quite know why it happens to me. Trying to catch a break / change here !!

The only way to know if you like something or love something (hobbies) is to work it at. And then you find out what it’s worth to you. Is learning a song and making a cover for two hours worth six episodes of community ? Is writing something worth not peeing for forty minutes ? Thus you quantify your heart for something.